my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
