Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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