I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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