youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
tell me about the eggs
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
