My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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