Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
