Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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