I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
