I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
