my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
