o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
