Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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