drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
