I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
