dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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