I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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