last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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