hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
