I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
