he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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