I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
