First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Randomize
