Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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