Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
