oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
