Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
