his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
