I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
