first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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