GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
