If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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