I hate your face
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
