I wish I could punch you in the face.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
