You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
