if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
