Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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