i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
