Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
