you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
