I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
