Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
