I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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