im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
