I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
