He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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