I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
