So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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