you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
id be glad to
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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