watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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