I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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