We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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